Review: Early Man

It’s been a very irritating week.

I saw “The 15:17 to Paris”, and that was an awful movie. I read an article denying that Marvel has a “villain problem” (and I am working on an article in response, because the guy missed the point entirely), I saw someone recently refer to Black Panther & The Last Jedi as “intellectual think pieces” (ha ha, no). And now I saw Early Man last night, and it was repulsively boring.

 

Now something that really irked me was that Early Man was not only well received, but is “Certified Fresh” on Rotten Tomatoes.

I have heard an argument a lot (especially during The Last Jedi’s theatrical run) that when it comes to reviewer’s and the audience’s scores, that reviewers always know best. I can give you plenty of examples and reasons that this is not always true, but suffice it to say that oftentimes, reviewers like to give extra credit or special treatment to certain types of movies. Children’s movies typically fall within this treatment.

 

MV5BMTU0ODEwODU2MF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwNzA3NTc0MzI@._V1_SX1500_CR0,0,1500,999_AL_.jpgIf you have seen an “underdog story” before, then there is no point in seeing Early Man. Early Man is the most basic of underdog stories done hundreds of times already, but worse. There is nothing new added, no changes to the genre, and no clever writing to save it from its unoriginality.

 

Every single character in this film has the sole defining trait of “being a moron”, and the jokes and humor almost exclusively play off the fact that everyone is stupid… to the point of sheer agony. The only character that arguably isn’t a moron is the young blonde girl that helps the cavemen, and that’s only because she is the obligatory strong-and-independent-woman character.

They also have a token animal sidekick that’s not a dog, but acts like a dog anyway.

If anything, I’m impressed that the movie has THIS many lazy, overused story elements.

 

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Every single element of this stupid film was either painfully mediocre or excruciatingly obnoxious.

 

Aside from a few clever play-on-words gags, all of the humor in this movie is a joke you’ve heard before or has the lazy punchline of “ha ha, it’s funny because it doesn’t make sense”.

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All of the voice acting is obnoxious and near indistinguishable from all the other voices in the film. It wasn’t until the credits that I realized that the voice acting was from the likes of actors like Tom Hiddleston, the somehow-Oscar-winner Eddie Redmayne, and Game of Thrones’s Maisie Williams. All the animal voice actors sounded like humans lazily trying to sound like dumb animals.

The soundtrack was either generic stock music or was some sort of standard pop song that often gets lazily put into lazy movies like this lazy schlock.

 

But the worst part of this movie is just how boring it is. There is nothing unique in this film to gravitate towards. I’ve seen this animation style a hundred times. I’ve seen this overdone plot a hundred times (complete with its own low-point that the movie has to lazily fabricate out of thin air and is easily resolved). I’ve heard nearly all of these types of jokes a hundred times.

All of the characters are poorly written at worst and comatosely unoriginal at best.

 

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The movie is relatively harmless, so if you wanted to take your kids to something that isn’t violent, obscene, or offensive, then this is a pretty safe bet. Also for every 100 jokes this movie throws into the air, there are maybe one or two that had enough wit for me to give a merciful chuckle.

Aside from that, I hated this movie. I was writhing with boredom in my overpriced comfortable chair with the leg-rest just begging for the movie to be over. This movie is bad, and you should feel bad.

2 out of 10

stevejdonahue.com

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