Review: Kingsman: The Golden Circle

I really gotta hand it to the people who made the trailer for this movie (the initial one anyway). It gave enough information to be intriguing and mysterious. It was everything a trailer should be. The ones that followed were all substandard garbage, but the first one was so well done, and it made me really look forward to this movie.

 

What’s even more impressive is that the initial trailer made this absolutely useless, tiresome, and half-baked film look good.

 

I’m so depressed, guys. I was really hoping that this new Kingsman movie would’ve been better than the first one, and it would signal more great movies to come. Unfortunately, Kingsman: The Golden Circle is so awful that I hope they never make another one. There is honestly so many problems with this movie that I don’t really know where to start.

 

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How about this for starters: Taron Egerton is so dull in this role, and there’s not much to his character that makes him interesting, unique, or even sympathetic. Nearly half of his lines are poorly-delivered exposition.

 

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The Statesmen as a whole are even worse because the movie really has no use for them whatsoever. Jeff Bridges is barely in the movie, and when he is, he’s not interesting. Channing Tatum‘s southern accent was embarrassingly terrible, and I don’t understand why. I saw him in Logan Lucky; I know he can have a passable southern accent. So why the hell was it so godawful in this stupid movie? What’s even worse is that Tatum is only in this movie for about ten minutes of screen time. Considering the trailer insinuated that he was a big part of this movie, I was kinda pissed when he just wasn’t there for almost the entirety of the film. Halle Berry gets shelved for most of the film too, is barely interesting when she is on screen, but she ends up getting off better than Bridges and Tatum, and of course, it’s so that the movie can have a forced women-empowerment angle at the end of the film.

 

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Hey, Matthew Vaughan, if you wanted to have a women empowerment message so bad in this movie, maybe ya shouldn’t have killed off your strongest female character early on into the film. If some people consider this a spoiler: it happens in the first fifteen minutes of the film, and you really shouldn’t see this garbage anyway, so I’m not sorry.

Yes, Sophie Cookson and every other unimportant Kingsman gets killed off at the beginning of the movie, and it’s almost entirely predictable that this was going to happen because all the other re-casted Kingsman characters looked like the same person.

 

 

And speaking of messages Matthew Vaughan wanted to force in this movie, holy crap was the politically fueled messages in this movie so embarrassingly obvious. I mean, the first Kingsman movie has some ham-fisted political commentary of its own, but it wasn’t so much as to seriously damage the final product.

But this movie… good God. As soon as they revealed that the main villain wants to hold the entire world hostage in order to decriminalize all of the drugs, the film gets painfully unsubtle about how “you shouldn’t judge all drug users” and “drug users are good people too!” and it basically creates this American president character who is so cartoonishly hateful of drug users that he decides to allow all of the drug users to die from the poison the main villain put in all of the drugs. There is literally no other use for this President character within the plot other than to twirl his mustache about how much he hates drug users.

Also, at the end of the movie, a woman congressman impeaches him and becomes president in the evil president’s place (do you get it, guys? DO YOU GET IT?!?!)

 

 

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Speaking of the main villain, Julianne Moore is an embarrassingly poor one. To her credit, it’s not really her fault; Vaughn’s script made her horrendous. You remember in Despicable Me 3, when the main villain was solely defined by his love for the 80’s? They demonstrated this by making wear bombastic clothing, have Michael Jackson dance moves, and shoot out 80’s references?

 

Well apparently, even that was too freaking subtle for Matthew freaking Vaughn, because one of Julianne Moore’s introductory lines was “I’m just a homesick girl with nostalgia for the 50’s…” she says as they float over all the 50’s themed diners and movie theaters that populate her supposedly not-obvious hideout.

 

The entire plot for this movie is atrocious. It barely makes any sense, conveniently forgets things when they are no longer useful to the plot, and it is seldom clever or intuitive.

 

Elton John is in this movie, and I have never ever seen a man so boisterously proud of how shitty his acting was. There’s only two things he does in the movie: stand in the film so they can make a few stupid “Oh God it’s Elton John!” jokes, and say the phrase “Fuck you!” a lot. And every time he curses at people, it was so embarrassingly held back that it always took me out of the movie.

 

Colin Firth comes back, and his existence drags this entire sequel down, which was odd, because he was one of the best things about the first film.

 

A large majority of the humor in this film doesn’t work.

 

A lot of the CGI in this film was TERRIBLE.

 

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So many choices in this film fall flat on their faces. So many good actors in this film are infuriatingly under-utilized. Almost nothing about the film is smart. Almost everything in the film was pandering… be it to push through political agendas or to serve as fan-service.

I’m so pissed off right now, guys. Do you know how much I wanted to love this movie? This is the most disappointing movie I have seen all year. If you want to see something with a lot of action and cheese in it, and you’re someone who doesn’t require movies to make any sense, then fine, see it. Otherwise, I cannot stress how much this movie isn’t worth your time.

2 out of 10.

 

 

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