I saw some dumb tweet a while back about how writing a Worst Movies list is a “total waste of your time and talents”.
Actually, my friend, I am QUITE talented at talking about terrible movies. In fact, if someone can only talk about how much they like a movie, and can never explain why they think certain movies are bad, then those people are typically boring, spineless writers. It is not a crime to think a movie is bad. It is not a sin to explain why films missed the mark. And you cannot fully appreciate movies that get it right without realizing how some movies get it wrong.
With that in mind, I unfollowed the dude as it was a “total waste of my time and talents”.
Now, after reading this list, you may notice a lack of some obvious choices for worst movies. I didn’t see Fifty Shades Darker, Geostorm, Baywatch, The Snowman, or many other horrible movies.
That’s because I don’t often see the point in skewering easy targets. There are certainly easy targets in here, but I am significantly more interested in targeting incompetent movies that the general public seems to give a pass to. Usually if I go see an “easy target”, it’s either because I was giving it the benefit of a doubt, or I had a feeling it would be the perfect chance to disect bad cinema.
What I’m saying is… there are a lot of popular movies that’ll be on this Worst List, and you very well may get offended by it.
As always, if you ever look at my review and have some very well-thought out points that prove me wrong, feel free to let me know. I am always open to constructive criticism.
And remember folks, if you ever hear someone say “All film criticism is subjective”, that is code for “I lack the ability to defend my point of view.”
TO THE LIST!!!
How about we get one of the controversial ones out of the way first? Number 19 is Beauty and the Beast. This film is a shining testament to just how lenient the general public is of Disney vomitting out lazy content. Emma Watson spent the entire movie acting like she didn’t want to be there, and everyone else in the film was boring and/or generic. With lifeless CGI furniture servants, boring new music numbers, and with everything, except the newly gay LeFou, being uninspired, it’s very difficult for me to take adults seriously when they talk about how much they loved this stupid film.
It seems as though each year, there’s a bad horror movie that somehow gets praised for its one or two good elements. This year, that film was Annabelle: Creation, number 18. Most people decided that because it was occasionally scary, that they would overlook the horrible acting, atrocious dialogue, and a plot lacking in any sort of logic or consistency.
Hey, let’s get controversial again! Atomic Blonde is Number 17. This film is a tiresome exercise in bland characters, overly convoluted plot elements, and idiotic stylistic choices made solely because they were stylistic choices. It seems like directors easily under-utilize Charlize Theron’s talents, but boy oh boy did Atomic Blonde go above and beyond to underutilize not only Theron, but James McAvoy, John Goodman, and pretty much everyone else in this stupid movie.
What would a Worst List be without having a Bad Moms movie on it? Congratulations, number 16, A Bad Moms Christmas. You improved just enough to escape the top 10 (unlike your predecessor), but you didn’t improve enough to escape my list. I wait in anticipation as to where “Return of the Bad Moms” will fall on my list next year.
Here we go, God I’m probably gonna get flack for this…
My pick for number 15 is Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Guys, I didn’t want to do this. I have my quips with the Disney/Lucasfilm saga, but I was never expecting one of their films to be worthy of my worst list.
Let me lay down some hard truth: if The Last Jedi had to stand on its own without being tied to the Star Wars Narrative Dynasty, then dramatically fewer people would be rushing to its defense… just like more people would be calling Rogue One a bland movie if it were to stand out on its own as well.
I applaud the film and Rian Johnson for trying something different, but trying something different is SIGNIFICANTLY less important than making sure your story works. And while I have called out The Force Awakens so freaking often for being a ripoff of A New Hope, at least J. J. Abrams had enough of a narrative focus to not present us with an abysmal mess.
If you’re one of those Star Wars fan boys who are shocked that I would dare to put this movie on my worst list, then read my review HERE.
Everyone who has read it has said something in between “I completely agree with everything you said” all the way to “It doesn’t change my mind [and I’m not going to address any of your arguments].”
I’d consider that a win for me, blokes.
I admit that number 14, xXx: Return of Xander Cage has its moments of charm, but aside from that, the movie is useless, obnoxious, lazy, and incessant. One of the fascinating things about this movie is just how similar its bad elements were to not only Suicide Squad, but to the Transformers franchise in general. But many of the people who avidly attack Suicide Squad and Transformers movies avidly love Return of Xander Cage.
Unsurprisingly, I’ve yet to hear a good explanation as to why that is.
Amy Schumer’s Snatched is number 13. (Holy crap… that pun wasn’t intended)
What more can I say? It’s a raunchy comedy with Amy Schumer. That sentence alone should be enough of a warning. Don’t see it.
How? How is The Mummy NOT higher than Number 12 on this atrocious list?? What an abysmal way to start a Cinematic Universe. This movie was so lazy that to expand on why this film sucks anymore than I already have would be putting in more effort than the writers and directors of this dumb film did.
Wish Upon, number 11, is the best unintentional comedy of 2017. The film is cringe incarnate, and the plot seems like it goes out of its way to make absolutely no sense. If you end up watching this movie with the desire to laugh at a horrible movie, then I would highly recommend Wish Upon. But if you want to watch this movie intending to take it seriously, then I suggest you stay away.
THE TEN WORST
At number 10, we have Kingsmen: The Golden Circle, a film that somehow lost every single shred of wit, intelligence, and authenticity the first installment had. Instead, it seems to dive deep into all the cliches that people claim they’re mocking without any hint of self-awareness. The film also does nothing with every single talented cast member, and they over-utilized an atrociously acted cameo by Elton John. I wish I could say that this is the last Kingsmen we’ll ever see, but of course, audiences ate up this garbage, so I’ll get to see more sequels.
At number 9, we have The Shack, a laughably poor Christian film that is unwatchable from start to finish. This movie’s most horrendous mistake was assuming that Sam Worthington could perform anything deeper than mild-irritation. Honest-to-goodness, if they casted a talented actor in Worthington’s place, this movie would simply be bad instead of slam-your-head-against-the-wall infuriating.
At number 8, we have The Circle, a movie that is so obvious in how wrong it got everything that film schools should use it as a shining example of how NOT to make a movie. Emma Watson once again performs terribly, John Boyega was nothing more than a plot initiator, and the reason for why Tom Hanks is such a bad guy is bafflingly underdeveloped. Not only that but almost every line of dialogue is overly-expository or cringe-inducing. The film would have been more honest if they called all of their ensemble characters “Prop 1”, “Prop 2”, and so on…
At number 7, we have Cars 3, the laziest, sloppiest Disney/Pixar movie I have ever seen in my entire life. I’ve never been in a theater for an animation, and have all the children in the theater be so bored and unresponsive. There’s nothing funny about this movie, nothing sincere, nothing smart or witty, nothing at all to justify Disney making another movie to whore out their merchandising team to make billions of money off of children…. oh.
At number 6, we have My Little Pony: The Movie…
Look guys, I’m not going to make a summary for this one. I honestly don’t want to think about it anymore.
… just read the review if you want me to recount the horrors I’ve witnessed…
At number 5, we have Transformers: The Last Knight, a painful retreading of Michael Bay-isms demonstrating no sense of improvement.
And honestly? Why should he improve on these terrible movies? All of them make hundreds of millions in profits.
Transfive is a tedious, overly-long, self-cannibalizing mess. It may be the first 1/10 that I gave a movie that had a small handful of positives… and that’s because the terrible crap that is in this movie far surpasses any sort of positives it has going for it.
At number 4, we have Leap!, the film with the worst animation I have seen all year. It is also the most unapologetically cliche animation I’ve seen all year to the point that they didn’t even try to hide it. The voice acting’s bad. The script’s bad. The humor’s abysmal. Everything in this movie is bad… even by kid’s movie standards.
At number 3, we have The Bye Bye Man, a movie that is miserable in every aspect including its laughable title. Every single thing about that movie is contrived and horrible, from the performances to the cinematography to the script to the actual monster itself. It is the worst horror movie of the year, and possibly of the last half-decade.
At number 2, we have Advertisements: The Movie, but the literal, less honest title would be The Emoji Movie, a film that is so devoid of a meaningful plot that it needed to fill the rest of the time with advertisements to your favorite apps. When it wasn’t selling a product to you, it was busy filling the void with terrible dialogue, countless non-jokes dressed as jokes, and terrible moral messages.
I said in my review for Leap! that it may very well be worse than The Emoji Movie, but the longer I thought about it, the more I realized that when you boil down both movies, Leap!, while ineffective, incompetent, and cheesy, has a good heart behind its message that at least TRIED to be sincere. The Emoji Movie, when boiled down to its core elements is lazy, insincere, and dare I even say potentially sinister. I think this movie is rotten to the core, and I can’t pan this movie any more if I tried.
AND THE WORST MOVIE IS…….
9/11, the movie, is a misfire in every single perceivable way. They chose the worst actors to portray the shallowest characters stuffed in an elevator. They then pretended that it had anything to do with 9/11. The budget for the film must have been so abysmal because the film almost NEVER leaves the elevator, thus causing an inescapable feeling that this movie really isn’t even about 9/11, but that the tragedy was simply used as a gimmick to sell tickets.
And thank God this movie didn’t sell tickets. It is a boring, sloppy, unintentionally funny, stupid movie that makes absolutely no sense and is constantly insulting. The script constantly went through the motions of the most basic plot drivel hoping to strike any sort of emotional chord it could, but the movie never earned any of it because every single damn person behind this project did not care. Not the director, not the writer, and certainly not Charlie Sheen whose performance was so laughably insincere that I have no idea why he chose to be in a movie about an event he claimed was an inside job.
Congrats, guys. You are all the worst.